Being a sports fan is a dangerous game

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It was 30 years ago but feels like yesterday. South Africa lost a big rugby test match. I was just a boy and it devastated me.

I spent the next hour recreating the game. It was raining outside but weather couldn’t compete with the fire inside me. I played every position and lead the Springboks to victory.

My obsession eventually switched from rugby and cricket to Arsenal. Multiple league titles. Multiple FA Cups. The Invincibles. A Champions League final. So many great memories.

And then the new stadium and a decade of dismay. I’d like to ask that the Arsenal squad lower me into the grave someday. Just so they could let me down one last time.

But in the last few years the fury and ecstasy for every failure or victory of my favorite teams has diminished.

I poured myself into competitive eSports and made the national team. I started playing soccer, working out and running.

I now care more about my own outcomes than of people I’ve never met. I’ve reprogrammed myself not to feel like a winner or a loser based on the performance of others.

My obsession often led to me giving up control of my feelings. And it was a way to compensate for a lack of self-esteem and personal success.

I’m still a fan today but I try not to let it get to me.