Your colleagues often face personal challenges you are unaware of
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I’ll never forget the day one of my direct reports walked into the office and apologized for being late. He casually said it was because he had to shoot an intruder in the early hours of the morning. I was at a complete loss for words, but I heard myself say “are you okay?”. He smiled and said he’s fine and explained this wasn't his first time.
I will admit this is an extreme example. But the truth is everyone goes through things in their personal lives that may affect their work.
I did a counseling course in my late 20’s and found out over the next 10 years that we only see the tip of the iceberg when looking at people from the outside. From friends to family and colleagues, the reality is the true extent of their challenges are usually hidden beneath the surface.
If you knew a team member had been sleeping on the couch for the last 3 months due to a difficult situation at home, would you feel differently about them arriving 10 minutes late for a meeting? If you knew someone’s extended sick leave was because they were recovering from being stabbed at an ATM, would you still be tempted to view them as a slacker? If you knew that the reason that colleague snuck out early every second Friday afternoon was so they could fetch their kids for the weekend, would you still think they don’t work as hard as you?
Not everyone is in the same boat.
Some are nervous and excited because they are about to get married. Some are nervous and stressed because they are about to get divorced. Some are a shadow of themselves because they just received a worrying diagnoses and others are happy and relieved because it turned out to be nothing. Some are waking up every 2-3 hours with a newborn, others are going through fertility treatment and yet others are bracing themselves for a looming empty nest.
Your boat might be different, but we are all out at sea.
We face similar waves, winds and storms. There are differences but we all recognize the rhythms of life’s challenges.
Two keys to healthy long-term work relationships are empathy and compassion. And those will elude you if you lack understanding. Not of the details but of a general sense that everyone is going through something.
Sometimes it’s a challenge we are familiar with and feel up to facing. Other times it might be new or overwhelming. You just don’t know if this was the first time a colleague has had to shoot someone in self-defense. So as both a leader and a team member, the right question is always “are you okay”.